Turn off the TV, you fucking idiot

I knew it was time to turn the Tv off when I caught myself watching a second rate crack whore’s digest entitled “Diet Trials”, presented by the oh-so-personable but probably a horse cock jockey Eamon Holmes. Oh yeah, he’s probably a terrorist too. I gather most people are these days (in my day all this were fields and the only time you’d ever ‘ave any bother was when you’d been apple scrumping with Farmer Giles’s three-legged wife).
Anyway, the moment of clarity ocurred when one of the failed ‘contestants’ was featured carting the burnt remains of her beloved Alsatian, Buster, up the M6 to see her parents in Liverpool. YOUR PARENTS DON’T REALLY WANT TO SEE THE DEAD DOG’S ASHES YOU DIMWIT. She was just in the middle of blabbing out through her tears something along the lines of; “he was my all, my everything, my world” when I leapt to my feet and disconnected myself from the flickering fuckwit. I mean, I do end up watching some shit, because I live in France and in terms of British TV we’ve got BBC Prime and that’s pretty much it, but there is simply no excuse for watching that inane tramp’s spunk is there? I mean, a man must have his limits. Masterchef Goes Large and The Good Life you can just about get away with, but fucking Diet Trials with Eamon fucking Holmes is beyond the realms of acceptable viewing. How many hours do we all waste watching inane tripe on telly? A belated New Year’s resolution for me is knocking that one on the head.
So, the first pay cheque/dole cheque/ration of salted beaver is upon is already. It’ll be the Summer before you know it – perhaps next week if we can pump enough filth into the atmosphere to speed up global warming just a little bit more. The Chinese are doing their bit by building a new coal-burning power station every week, so the least we can all do is try and arrange a few extra bonfires, or perhaps invest in 3 litre Land Rovers with child-killing bars on the front.
Excuse the negativity people but I can’t shake this feeling I’ve had recently that some things about our entire way of living need to change drastically. Exactly what, how and what I personally can do, I’ve no idea, but we’re all in the same boat there I think, and if we all just carry on waiting for something, or someone to come along and tell us what to do, it’ll be too late. I’ve been on about this before, shit, I suppose we all have. In our heads, with people at work, after a few pints….and I’ve heard some fairly lucid suggestions. Like the idea of a certain detoxee with a penchant for chatting on his mobile in the quiet coach; local responsibility and local action. And it is true that if everyone looked after their patch the world would be a patchwork of order and perfection – like a particularly well-kept picket-fence strewn and lawn endowed American street, but perhaps without the aircon units, 4 litre cars and total disregard for energy use. As an aside, I was once at an American mate’s place and whilst looking for the loo I discovered the spare room which had been converted into a drying room. There were two tower fans creating a gale to dry the clothes. Apparently this reduced the drying time by an entire half day. When I asked if they weren’t concerned about the electricity they were using, I was greeted by a conspiratorial smile – they didn’t pay the bill, the company did. Oh well, shit, why not turn the microwave on then. Empty. Just for the fuck of it.
Sorry about that, a little sidetracked. The point I was leading to is that even if every individual with half a brain and a lack of malice started behaving with a little more conscience, it would not be enough. There would be just as many, if not more people carrying on as normal, or not being allowed to do otherwise, perhaps even in China alone. How the hell are we going to say “Look, I know we’re all a bit fossil fuel mental at the moment, and that our industrial revolution was also based on burning dirty fuels, but we’ve all got to lay off it now or we’ll all be underwater, so if you wouldn’t mind just winding it up and doing some nice calligraphy…”
Perhaps I’m wrong, but it seems likely that the Chinese and everyone else will just keep going until something breaks. More cars, more power stations, more plastic statuettes of Mao…and who can blame them? We have, after all, created what is essentially a culture of mindless material worship over the last century or too, haven’t we? We’ve made Jade Goody famous, for god’s sake.
Well, this has become a real rant hasn’t it? I suppose I should wrap it up by asking if any boloists have any thoughts on either shite TV, naming dogs after Phil Collins films or the seemingly chronic mess we’re making of our chance on this earth….
I miss the days when I was 15, powered by cider and able to confidently reason away concerns over global warming with the steadfast logic that “eventually it will get so hot that solar power will be enough to sustain us, then we’ll stop burning fossil fuels and the earth will heal itself. Now let’s go and look for girls and kick a few bins over.”