Sunday Science Slot

In a last desperate effort to find something that might stir my foul-smelling foamy intra-cranial slop into bolo action I decided that science might prove to be the safe fall back that it has often proved when it comes to trying to make oneself look intelligent (ah, I recall the heady days of arseing around in BSc Environmental science [emphasis on the BS] at university, whilst out of lectures holding court with the sociologists and media studies goons – aka proto estate agents, explaining over a watered down plastic-wrapped Foster’s the wonders of a cumulonimbus or the life-cycle and dining etiquette of a house sparrow [Passer domesticus don’t you know, you ignorant FOOLS], basically reciting all I had learnt from various Ladybird and Usborne books, with the crucial credibility-sealing smattering of premium breezology in order to send their slack jaws pouring onto the fag-burnt carpet…and to stop anyone finding a gap in time to point out my goatee beard and centre parting). I thus planned to devise a series of experiments that will stretch the boundaries of human repulsion to anything I do or represent, the results of which will be revealed periodically on this fine site, to the accompaniement of gasps, sighs, and incredulous murmurings from the public, and creaking noises from my bottom. Teeheehee. No seriously, they’re there, don’t know what causes them, but they often seem a very appropriate reaction to whatever I happen to be doing when they make themselves heard.

Unfortunately I only got as far as feeding my dog coca-cola, which was so hilarious I decided that the the tongue-stiffening, lip-curling, violently sneezing and hyperactively tail-chasing reaction was the only possible expansion of knowledge that anyone could ever want (on a Sunday anyway)…and I didn’t care that by the time I’d stopped laughing I was shaking violently and wondering whether I was a bit of a psychopath..and I didn’t care that I lunged at bolo with an idea infinitely more tenuous than any of the ones I’ve cursed and consigned to cyber-oblivion, I just had to get something down y’see? And that is that for now,pending a comment from my bottom…