I notice that Comic Relief breezed through here again on Friday, complete with an army of bandwagon jumping, self-congratulatory, overpaid and over-inflated ego types.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not against the thing in principle, but big public events of this nature really do seem to attract a very special calibre of cunt.
For example, Lenny Fucking Henry. I don’t think that this particular ‘comedian’ has ever made me laugh, not a snigger or even a flickered smirk across my flobby little chops. In fact the one and only reason that anybody knows who the fuck he is, is because he attached his pathetic, withering career to the fortunes of a load of starvers in Ethiopia in the late eighties.
Then there’s TV’s answer to the village idiot, Fern Cotton. The woman is a fucking simpleton. What I don’t understand is how in fuck’s name she manages to land all these top presenting gigs. She’s completely vaccuous. Some presenters (well most actually) I don’t like for one reason or another, but at least they bring a bit of personality to what they’re doing. With her it’s like watching a nodding dog eat it’s own virtual shit and then open its mouth, allowing the gooey brown drivel to just fall out.
So here’s the crack. If any TV bosses just happen to have stumbled on in here I hope you take note of these 2 things:
1. I’d rather watch a naked fat man drink a pint of his own cum and belch the various introductions and links than watch Fern Cotton.
2. Wankers like Fern Cotton and Lenny Henry make me less likely to donate to charity – in fact they make me want to do really bad, unspeakable things. What you should do is strap them to the rear end of a rickshaw and film them being dragged, face down, through the streets of every town and city in the UK, before setting fire to them and then extinguishing them in a giant vat of finely matured sheep’s piss. Then, on Comic Relief night itself they should be eaten alive by a rabid ethiopian boy who found a golden ticket in a box of snack-a-jacks in Addis Abbaba. Now I’d pay good fucking money to see that.
Two thing to say in this one:
1 – Lenny Henry once made me laugh, during a sketch where he appeared as a Welsh rapper who communicated in idiomatic language rather than pretending to be from South Central LA. Admittedly, this was several years ago and there’s a good chance my humouristic tastes are now much more sophisticated than they once were.
2 – Ferne Cotton. How dare you speak that way about the woman I love? Or am I thinking of Lauren Laverne…?
El Naggio – I am crying tears of laughter mate – this is a virtuoso of comedy genius. And having been out of the uk for a few years now, I don’t even know who Fern Cotton is! I feel like a know her quite well now though, having looked her up Google images and imagined her having chunks ripped out of her by a snack-a-jack fed Ethiopian Yardy.
Fern Cotton gets her jobs because she’s pretty. I remember when she used to present early morning kids telly – she was shit then too, but still pretty. Presenting is now a popularity contest based on looks and not personality. Oh, and I laughed at Lenny Henry once too. I was watching True Identity and I distinctly remember chuckling “How did this shit get made?”
I agree, Lenny Henry is an unfunny cunt. The only time he made me laugh was his notorious baby juggling sketch live on Tiswas about 25 years ago.
He never did it again though because he got in too much shit over it.
That was the most funniest thing I have ever read. Apart from not knowing how to spell vacuous (one c by the way) I was in stitches, literally crying tears, someone should give this person a job on TV or something !!!!!! Much funnier than Lenny Henry. Fern is attractive, I have to admit. Although she never looks like she is enjoying herself.
Bri, i just re-read this and I can confim it has stood the test of time. Still comedy gold mate. Trying to rekindle this blog, come and have another pop at some overpaid TV stars. You know you want to.