Angst, roundabouts and existentialism

migraine.jpgI feel like leading on from Bennie’s post to do with the video ‘fish’… I will approach from the opposite angle – self-doubt.

The strange ways in which a semi-deranged mind attempts to convince itself of it’s lucidity is a constant in my life. I have no idea if I am madder than is required to be certified, but I would be happy to take the test (and suppose that really it depends on the power-wielding gimp politicians of the time anyway).

I am a quiet lunatic, with most of my unnerving thought processes invisible to the outside world, and hidden through years of childhood necessity and training. Only now, at the tender age of 27, and with the help of some time and space (and British Airways flights) do I feel that I am becoming self-assured in any way, but it is a fragile state.

One thing is for certain, my family, at least some of the time, is probably collectably certifiable. This baseline marker is the reason for my lack of trust in the temporary feelings of rock-like zen understanding I am increasingly experiencing.

The problems this zen feeling causes are normally associated with and dampened by work. My particular offices are filled with astonishingly enthusiastic, motivated, and (at least outwardly) happy and successful, intelligent people. The kind of people that may very well take a motivational video seriously. This can lead to feelings of claustrophobia for someone who is prone to uncontrolled outbursts of harsh honesty, built on cynicism and incredulity and bouts of supreme, albeit temporary, confidence.

But am I right? That’s what I ask myself. Should I play along with the script? Or should I take every opportunity to say exactly what I think? If I do, I would still be more than happy to be humbled by reasonable argument and sincere response… but do I not risk turning myself into an arse?

Am I really confused, or just viewing the confusion of human societal reality?

When I see in those closest to me the terrible reality and scale of unfairness dealt by fate and genetics, and in the same day see rich and successful intellectual monsters moaning about their comfortable, secure, well-paid and respected careers, I feel torn between incapacitating anger, and feeble impotence.

I am digressing, but the crux of the matter is this…
When you feel you are winning the fight against the shit, but your comrade is not, what do you do if you can’t help?

I beg all boloists: take the shit to beat the system, but always remember what shit it is. And if you can use it to make the system fall like a fuckwit, show no mercy.

…Rant Ends…

One Response

  1. Bennie says:

    As a recent victim of the Seattle Fish video, I feel pumped up with my own self worth and therefore duty bound to give an opinion..There’s a lot to be said for honesty at the right time, among friends for sure, but I also believe that you should avoid wearing your heart on your sleeve. Too many fuckwits with bad intentions will have too easy access to weak points, should they ever feel inclined to make a cowardly strike. Just half an answer to part of a rhetorical question, for what it’s worth. Perhaps I’d have more to say if I watched the follow up to Fish. It’s called “Whale Done”. In my imagination it’s about a company that believes killer whales can be trained to do motorcycle stunts. They work as a team and backslap the long days away until the whales trick them into going skinny dipping then they get savagely ripped apart and digested like bad plankton. I’m not sure that’s how it really goes though…

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